Dave's Picks | Recipe for a good conversation: Time and attention

Good conversations take time and attention.

Here is how we can have better interactions with each other.

Celeste Headlee is a longtime radio and podcast host, but it hasn't always been like that, in fact, she was terrible at talking to people when she was younger. Having successful conversations with strangers, your closest friends or family is actually an art form. It requires attention, something that's in high demand and rare these days.

Well, that’s no good …

Here are some tips on improving our conversations!

1. Be present
   When you tell people to 'be present’, they think, 'well I'm here!' Being present actually means not looking at your phone or staring into space while the other person is talking to you. It means giving the person your entire attention and not thinking about what you have to do later on during the day.

2. Going in flow with the conversation
   It's easy to stop listening when you're planning on what to say next. Don't do that.

3. Don't pontificate!
   No one likes to be lectured.

4. Ask open-ended questions
   Yes or no questions don't lead the conversation very far.

5. If you don't know something, just say that.
   Instead of looking dazed and confused, just express to the person that you have no idea what they are talking about and that's ok!

6. LISTEN.
   I can list all the things you shouldn't do, but it's essentially up to you whether or not you want to be fully engaged and listen to someone when they speak. Listening is hard. It requires practice, focus, and more practice. But without it, you and others around you cannot have engaged and meaningful conversations.

In Headlee's recent TED talk, she states that people have gotten worse at having good conversations.

“On social media, when we do have the opportunity in a conversation to speak with either a stranger or someone who disagrees, we see the conversation as a chance to prove our point or convince somebody something”

— Celeste Headlee — Author, speaker, and podcast host

The presence of technology makes having conversations harder. In a surprising study done in the U.K. researchers placed a silent cellphone on a table between 2 strangers. It didn't belong to either participant. The strangers both REPORTED that their impression of their partner was unlikeable, untrustworthy, and unempathetic — simply because the phone was there.

If you want to have a good conversation, evidently, not only do you need to put your phone down but to really put it away. Try this next time when you're at dinner with your parents or with your friends and see what happens — they may say 'something is different about you' but can't figure out what! It's the subtle changes we make every day that makes all the difference.

want more?

Grab a copy of We Need to Talk by Celeste Headlee!

Purchase @ Barnes & Noble