Sourced from NYT | June 16, 2021
Experts say that couples can emerge from the pandemic stronger than ever
by learning from the past and looking towards the future
Credit | Bai Sun
During this time, couples have been spending way more time with each other than they normally would be stretched across a two to three-year period. They have had to occupy multiple roles that would have been previously filled by others like friends, social activities which have been made impossible with the pandemic.
As we slowly try to get back into the regular hum of life, this is a perfect opportunity for a relationship reset, to learn from our time hunkering down together, and look towards the future.
Here are some solid pointers to get started!
A relationship review
Have a sit down together to assess whether what worked about your relationship and what did not during quarantine. In order to make positive changes going forward, start by sharing with your partner what you have learned about each other and yourselves during the pandemic.
Questions like: What did the pandemic show us about our relationship? What do we want to keep going forward? What do we want to discard? What has surprised you about me during this pandemic?
Voice your appreciation
Perhaps over the past year, you haven't felt like you've given your partner enough compliments. Positive feedback is important according to a nearly three-decade study of marriage and divorce by Terri Orbuch, who's a research professor at the University of Michigan and a sociology professor at Oakland University. One of her divorced subjects' biggest regrets was that they did not give their spouse more "affective affirmation," or encouragement and support in the form of words or thoughtful gestures. Simple compliments like "You're a great parent." often get overlooked.
Many of us believe that partners should know that we love them, especially after being together for years. But research at the Gottman Institute suggests differently. Research showed that the most successful couples regularly "opened their mouths and actually spoke their words of love and respect and admiration. "These simple words can be super powerful and even more meaningful when you are specific about them. Saying, "you're so thoughtful" is nice but when your partner tells a positive story where you demonstrated your thoughtfulness, it makes you more likely to hold that, cherish it, and make you feel good about it.
Build-in time apart
Make sure that each partner gets some alone time in their day, even if it’s a short walk alone. When we are alone, the external pressure is reduced, we are more often in control of events, our space, and we can manage our time much more freely. Alone time is important for what is called "identity consolidation", in which one thinks of the past to process events, and the future to set goals.
Taking time alone offers an opportunity for each partner to develop their own personal identity independently, which they can add and bring to their relationship to strengthen it.
Take time to connect
Having less sex these days? It's not just you. A recent online survey of 1,559 adults about their intimate lives by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University revealed that over 43% of participants reported a decline in the quality of their sex lives since the pandemic began.
A sexual dry spell is no surprise, given that the pandemic's stress and uncertainty were "libido killers," said Shannon Chavez, a therapist in Los Angeles. If you need a nudge to get back into the game, think of sexual connection as a form of self-care, which is anything you do to take care of your overall health and well-being. Prioritizing sexual health makes it easier to make time for intimacy.
Make Plans
Making plans together such as a vacation getaway or a home renovation project, or even plans to go check out a new restaurant helps activate our brain's craving for novel experiences. It can help amplify our attraction to and interest our partner. It helps to reinforce your bond, when couples work as a team, their relationship and satisfaction quality increases. We've all lost something in the past year. Planning something to look forward to, together symbolizes hopefulness and optimism.
It's all about moving forward and heading towards the future.